Four Paragraphs
"Writing is an act of discovering what you think and what you believe." - Dan Pink.
Productivity YouTuber Ali Abdaal said when starting a YouTube channel, your priorities should be: get going, get good, and get smart--in that order. This blog represents get going for my writing.
12-week challenge
My challenge is to write, edit, and publish a four-paragraph essay for 12 consecutive weeks on any topic.
The word 'essay' is a verb meaning 'to attempt or try.'Going Pro
I first read Steven Pressfield's legendary book Turning Pro three years ago. The insights of the book have stuck with me ever since. Pressfield spoke of leaving the amateur life behind to pursue the quiet, but deeply meaningful life of a professional.
He describes how the amateur is afraid of becoming and that the amateur is driven by fear. The professional may feel fear, perhaps even more fear because they understand the risks, but they act in spite of that fear. The amateur has grand visions, but is easily distracted. Meanwhile the professional perseveres with an almost cold detachment. The amateur is a slave to the outcome and the recognition. The professional serves only the process, and does not care about the outcome of her labors. The professional has an enemy, so does the amateur. And that enemy is resistance, resistance manifests itself in diversions, addictions, and procrastination. A silent force pushing you away from the work you're meant to do. As the amateur is overwhelmed by resistance, the professional acts in spite of resistance, showing up day after day to do the work because that's what professionals do, rain or shine.
Shadow Career
Turning Pro depicts "the shadow career," as a particularly pernicious distraction. A shadow career is where you pursue a calling that is tantalizingly close or supportive of your true nature, but carries none of the risk (or fulfillment) of doing meaningful work you care about. Examples include the entertainment lawyer who secretly wishes they were an actor, the film editor who's always wanted to direct, and in my case engineering for creatives instead of an artist myself. I didn't find my voice in audio engineering. Even after mild recognition climbing the ranks with a blistering velocity. It was upon the first reading of Turning Pro--I knew I was neck deep in my own shadow career.
Pressfields descriptions of resistance struck a deep chord within me. His teachings inspired me in many ways professionally and in my personal life. I was an addict--not to drugs or alcohol or sex. I was addicted to misery, to feeling sorry for myself and to feeling like the world owed me a debt. I desperately wanted to have a voice, and my self-esteem was cripplingly low because I denied myself one.
Berklee College of Music
Six years earlier as a freshmen at Berklee College of Music when asked by my peers and teachers how I wanted to use my time at the school, I would say that I wanted to learn how to write (music). I bounced between majors in this pursuit, from composition, to film-scoring and electronic production. I eventually gave up on the idea because it seem impossible possible to learn, you either had it or you didn't (so I believed).
After giving up on "writing music" I went another direction that came more naturally. I auditioned to join the Music Production & Engineering (MP&E) major at Berklee, the premier recording program in the world. After a successful interview and immersing myself deeply into the culture I really enjoyed my time in the Major. But MP&E ultimately led me astray just a couple years out of college. I found myself feeding oxygen into the wild ideas of other artists while suffocating my own flame of ambition. I desperately wanted to find my voice--not only creatively, but to hold my wellbeing in high-regard and stand up for myself. I didn't have a clue what my values were (still a WIP) and how to respectfully stand-up for myself.
Growing Up
I was waiting for someone to give me permission. I gave all my power away to whoever was nearby and then I blamed them for my problems. I wasn't trying to sidestep responsibility, but I was ignorant in believing I didn't have any power over my life to begin with. Everything felt like a transaction: "wear these shoes and girls will like you," "say these names, and people will believe you're going places," "post these pictures, and people will think you're cool." This was what Mark Manson refers to as being an adolescent in his book Everything is fucked [A book about hope].
Writing is The Way
It's hard to follow other people's dreams, it's hard to feel like you aren't enough, but it's even harder to never start. This blog represents a challenge to myself--a challenge to develop my voice, to "practice shipping creative work" as author Seth Godin would say. A challenge to overcome my own amateur self-sabotage and treat myself like a professional. Likely the only readers of this blog will be select friends (Welcome) and web-scrapers for our future AI gods…and that's ok with me.
"Wisdom comes only from the understood experience and from nothing else," - Ayya Khema